Grrrrrr..owing pains.

So I haven't written in a while.
It's because, honestly, I've felt weird, almost narcissistic about sharing my life. On one hand, I feel almost compelled to be more vulnerable and share more of my process with whomever cares to read about it. But on the other hand.. I keep thinking that maybe I should write more about fashion or tree houses or some other lighthearted subject that doesn't directly involve me and my intense heart stuff. Cat stories.. with photos.. something like that.
But.. alas.. I'm not at all interested in writing about that stuff. Right now, anyway. In the future, I'd love for this blog to evolve into something that better reflects all of my selves.. but I guess for today, you get all this deep thinky stuff because that is the self that is most prominent right now..
I titled this blog 'Growing Pains' (with lots of grrrr) because that's what I feel like I'm going through at the moment. All of this growing, changing, listening, newness.. some days it feels almost physically painful, like if I could just manage to climb out of my skin and simply be a floaty spirit for a few hours.. just a few..
Let me back up and say that, in all of this, I am feeling beyond cared for from every angle..like really really (and I hate to use this word because it can sound so trite, but) blessed..  but still.. in the midst of it.. some days.. like today.. there is that frustration that settles in my gut and the back of my brain.. that nagging feeling that I should be doing better, that I should be a better friend and employee and daughter and sister.. blah blah.. you know that voice..
But here's the thing. The challenge, the journey. Instead of listening to that voice, this time I want to choose grace. I'm not saying that I am choosing grace, because that makes it sound easy and done, and, well.. it's not. But i want to choose grace. To laugh out loud at the grave silliness of it all because, for f&%$'s sake, I will never be perfect (!!!), and a line that I keep reading in "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (amazing book, ps, you should read it) is that "it's a little better to travel than to arrive." I mean, always always I'm being advised to 'enjoy the journey' but hello, how freaking hard is that! What is the journey, really, without the destination, and so it's SO hard to climb back into my skin and be in this present moment with all it's mess and beauty and crazy because I need to GET THERE and BE BETTER. Right? So my brain (and yours?) tells me, anyway. But hey.. what does my heart say..? It says slow down.. be gentle with yourself.. breathe deep.. enjoy this moment. Because it really is true that this moment is all that there is. And when I'm kind and gentle with myself, it turns out that I'm kind and gentle to others. And I'm more aware and I listen better because I'm not trying to hear you over the constant chatter and admonitions of my brain..
So maybe.. when we hurt each other.. if I'm rude to you, or if I don't listen properly, or if I'm really just not aware of you.. maybe instead of getting angry or frustrated, you should remind me to be good to myself, be kind to myself.. be gentle.. trust the process.. let grace back in.
yeah?
I'll be thinking about this one for a while..

x
Chris