Blog Hiatus #2

Almost exactly 6 months ago I took a break from this blog for a wee time.  And now I'm taking another one. Maybe for good, maybe not, but I need to focus my attention on my daily life, on some things a little less serious and a little more creative. Gettin my craft on, yall.

My new life motto is this:  Nothing as expected, everything as it should be.

Really enjoying the bliss and beauty that comes with surrender.

Til next time...

x
Chris

The Illusion of Perfection. And Other Stuff.

Maybe this will be a short post, it's just something I've been thinking a lot about..

What if.. everything.. right now, just as it is.. is perfect.
Exactly as it's meant to be. As it needs to be.
Perfect.

Would that knowledge make you angry? Would it set you free? Both?

What is perfection anyway? We all long for it.. strive for it.. make it our end game.  But I'm starting to wonder if this abstract idea of perfection we're all scratching around for is a mere trick, a false concept, an illusion.  Perfect, as we generally know it, is always a 'future' concept.  It's something we look for, long for.. wait for.. and it's utterly and entirely unachievable.  At least, by its traditional definition, it is.

But what if we're looking at it all wrong.  What if perfect does exist, and we're experiencing it right now.  What if perfect just means the natural state of things, the world as it is, everything moving and breathing alongside each other and together, all of the bad and good and ugly and magnificent.. all of it.
Your life... my life.. right now, exactly as it is, is perfect.

I really believe this.  Or, at least, I'm starting to really believe this.  Maybe I just need things to make sense, and in the most roundabout way imaginable, the only way for this crazy messy nonsensical happening world to work for me is if I stop wishing for it to be something else and just let it be what it is.. which makes it perfect, right now.

Today I heard someone describe the ego as a zoom lens.. our own personal egos want to focus so hard on one or the other small detail, causing us to completely lose the bigger picture. but if we see past the ego and widen our viewing lens, we realize that everything is happening as it should, all of the ebbs and flows, we face the fact that we will never totally understand it all, and we accept this with grace and deep breaths and that inner peace that comes with letting go.

Life has been hard lately. And it's been hard for a lot of the latelys that came before this one. And I've been waiting and waiting for that day when it will SURELY get easier. This morning started out angry because it was such a hard one and overwhelming and man I honestly just felt like FUCK YOU Universe, I am DONE, but then I wondered if everything is exactly as it should be and I took a walk and I zoomed my ego lens back out and I ate some good food and took some deep breaths and realized that the only thing I really really control right now is my inner peace.  And man, nothing can fuck with that if I don't it.  

I'd like to be done with hoping and waiting for things to get easier, choosing instead to chill in the midst of it all and enjoy a quiet and calm inner world.  Ultimate trust.  Everything is as it should be.  Everything that happens to me.. everything that happens.. all of the hard stuff, and the good stuff too.. these are the ebbs and flows, the perfect and natural movements of the Universe.  And it's not that I turn my face and accept these things passively, letting them be things that happen to me (making me a constant victim).. no, I turn to these things and I look them in the face and I become a part of them, moving with them, laughing and loving and listening and finding the deepest comfort in the knowledge that everything, just as it is, is perfect.

That's all.  Those are my thoughts for now.

x
Chris

All the best people are...

“Do you think I've gone round the bend?"

"I'm afraid so. You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”- Mad Hatter and Alice,  Alice in Wonderland

I've given it some thought, and I've decided that madness is the only way.  Sanity is overrated.  Genius, change, huge ideas, inspiration.. they're always tinged with, heck, even saturated with, madness.  

Right? RIGHT???

I spent my late teens and early 20's in psych hospitals and rehab, and though it was so long ago, some part of me continues to fear a 'slipping back' into all of that, like I'm being stealthily hunted by Crazy, and one day it will definitely catch up to me again. 

But.. ya know.. lately I find myself looking back on that time with less judgement and fear, and more, welcoming, even inviting, a bit of that latent madness back into my life.  Back then.. I don't remember losing myself or being totally and completely out of control or any of the other associations we have with madness.. Really, I was just young and I didn't give a fuck and my brain was full of so many questions that I didn't know quite how to ask.  The thing is, I was dark and I questioned and I wasn't even certain that I wanted this life, and that scared the people I loved, so I worked really really hard to be less dark and more appropriate and to contribute and be a useful member of society.

10 years have gone by.  And mostly, things have been really good, and my life has been full of great adventures and beautiful people.  But often I find myself thinking, and even occasionally saying.. "no one has any idea how hard I work every day to appear this normal."

And if you knew me, you'd definitely say "you're not doing a very good job of it."  To which I'd reply "you have no idea."

5 months ago I quit my job, and I've since been somewhat adrift in a completely intentional way.  This season has been terrifying (and beautiful) for lots of reasons, but one thing I've really noticed (gulp) is how hard it is to face my own fears and insecurities around what other people think about what I'm doing with my life.  I mean, I've built so much of my persona around NOT caring what people think about me, but it turns out I SO DO CARE.  When people ask what I'm "doing" or what I "do", I jump to give them a laundry list of how I productively spend my time, like I need to show them that even though I've sort of temporarily left society, I'm ok, I'm not crazy, hey don't worry bout me, I've got this.

The truth is that I am ok.  We all are. Because I'm starting to realize that everything all of the time just as it is, is perfect.  There's a bigger picture.  

But also, sometimes I feel totally crazy. and scared. and stuck. and over it. 

And sometimes I want to dance (ok A LOT of the time) to the music in my headphones while I'm walking down the street.  Or wear the same shirt three days in a row because it just feels perfect (which I did do this week).  Or laugh too loud.  Or swear too much.  Sometimes I want to get a little (or a lot) too drunk at a fancy dinner.  Sometimes I want to not wear makeup, or wear way too much makeup, or shorts that are probably way too short for my age (I mean, really).  Sometimes I don't want to have a deep or 'real' conversation, when I probably should.  Or I only want to have a deep or 'real' conversation at the exact time that I probably shouldn't.  Sometimes I'm sporting a terrible home haircut and sometimes I go to bed way too late and sometimes I roller skate in public and sometimes I don't speak to another human for a few days because sometimes other humans are too exhausting.  Sometimes I am not appropriate, and more and more lately, I don't WANT to be appropriate.  Being appropriate stinks.

I'm not saying that I don't want to care about others, in fact, I want that SO much.  But I am saying that I don't want to worry about what others think about me.  And I'm welcoming a bit more.. fuck it, A LOT more.. madness into my life.  Sanity is exhausting and frankly just takes too much work.  

Madness is the human condition.  Let's go there together.

It's true what Alice said. "All the best people are."

x

Chris

(pictures make reading more fun, eh?)

Self Care: Radical?

(Warning: This post may contain a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS.  And maybe some swearing.  And it's a long one.  With no pictures.  Ok, carry on..)

Hey friends.  Hey.  This is not an "I'm baaaackkkk" post.. no no, I'm not quite ready for full-time blog action again. I'm still very much enjoying hibernation and the wild adventure life has taken me on, and as for the details, I haven't much interest in sharing them.  Yet.

THAT SAID.. I am momentarily poking my nose out of my bear cave to write about self care because I honestly am just BURSTING to say something! While still sparing you my current details, I will say that the last few months have been largely... majorly.. HUGELY about me pretty much stepping out of life as I knew it and making massive efforts to learn how to take better care of myself in this human body and life.  It has been beautiful and hard and emotional and challenging and life-giving and.. and so many things.  Fewf, really.

The thing is.. as I've taken this step back, in many ways I feel like I'm meeting myself properly for the first time.  I'm seeing a beautiful body that I've often ignored, shamed, or flat-out punished.  I'm recognizing a brilliant mind that I've tended to disregard, hide, and talk down to.  And let's be honest.. a goddamn magical personality that I've worked hard to tone down, 'normalize' (whatever that means), and quiet.  I just have to say it-  Fuck That Shit!

See, it's this whole idea of "radical self-care" (a term that I'm hearing tossed around a lot lately).. it gets me thinking.. shouldn't self-care be the norm?? Shouldn't it be, like, priority number one all of the time every day??  Shouldn't it??? The fact that it is 'radical' to take good care of yourself, to honor your body, to prioritize your needs.. well. I honestly just think that SUCKS.

My theory is this: We are all ('all'- obviously a generalization) so overworked and exhausted, we're all working so hard to ignore that quiet but persistent voice at the back of our skulls that wonders if we're really happy or content, if this is really the life that we want, if maybe just maybe there's more... that when one of us takes a minute to recognize our needs, to listen to our body, and to take another look at our quiet hopes and dreams.. when one of us does that, what I'm seeing is that often times, instead of cheering that brave human on and supporting them and taking inspiration from them, what we often do is mock and shame that person!!  Ug!!! Our culture says to us "we are all exhausted/overworked/underpaid/dealing with -insert life drama here-, now quiet down and do your part," and if you're that person who really.. and I mean REALLY.. begins to listen to yourself and begins to hear the needs of your body and mind and spirit and begins to actually attempt to MEET those needs.. well.  If you're that person well good for you except not really because none of the rest of us are getting to do yoga every day or sleep more or move somewhere sunnier and warmer and we don't have TIME for hot baths or reading in bed or walks in the evening but seriously GOOD FOR YOU.

You get the idea :-).  I know I'm being a little over the top, except am I though?  Really?  Because I have both experienced the above hypothetical, and, embarrassingly, done it to others.  The truth is we are not always good at celebrating when someone else gains a little more freedom and healing and insight because we are so longing for those things ourselves but don't know where to find them.  Am I right?  Maybe just a little?

All of this to say.. my point is this:  Self-care is not just for the privileged, the brave, the single folks with no kids and extra time (though it is for all of those folks too).. no friends.. self-care, self-awareness, the ability to hear one's self and one's needs and actually.. carefully.. gently.. begin to meet those needs.. is absolutely positively, I PROMISE you, for us all.  All of us.  You hear me?  You. You are aloud.. encouraged.. I beg you.. to practice *radical* self-care.  Please.

There is SO much more that I want to say about this.. like what does it look like to begin the process of truly caring for yourself, and, you know, here are some examples of things that I need and do in order to honor myself, and here's why the whole world benefits when you put yourself first (now THAT's a hard one to get your heardt (my new word for head + heart) around.. etc.. etc..

Buuutttt I think this post is long enough and here's a wee example of my own self-care in that I feel like my eyes and brain need to take a break from the computer so I'm off to walk around outside in the sunshine for a few.

Sending a million wishes of healing and insight and so so much love to you all...

x
Chris

these honest moments..

so, i started a whole long post (last sunday), and i just deleted it because blah blah blah..
in short, i'm taking a break from this blog. i feel a little selfish in doing that, mostly because there's a lot happening in my inside-world that i could write about and maybe you'd like it, but ya know, that's kinda the thing right now.. this journey i'm currently on feels really really personal and i think a big part of that is me learning to feel less obligated to everyone else, whether that obligation comes from love or guilt (usually i think it's a hard mix of both)..
i'm kind of taking a break from mainstream life in general.. hidden away in a snowy cave (cave= really beautiful home with warm baths and soft beds :-) high up in the mountains, taking time to read and go to yoga and wait to hear the Universe and her next move. As glorious as that sounds, is has also been almost heart-crushingly terrifying (we RELY on our plans and lists and knowledge of what the future holds and IT IS SCARY when we allow the future to become totally blank) and lonely and trying. everything i've talked about, written about.. trust and belief in a bigger plan, faith in Great Love.. i am being challenged to put all of that into action.. and by action, i mean, do nothing and wait and listen. and friends, it is not easy. who knew rest could be as much work as work. i keep trying to make plans, scramble together some idea of my future, but it just gives me stomach-aches and tears, and so, i'm seeking stillness and courage and a quieter mind..
that's enough for now. when i'm back on the scene again, in life and otherwise, i'll reappear on here as well..
i can't imagine that'll be a time too far away, really..
and when i reappear on here, i envision some changes in this blog.. evolution, my friends, evolution..
til then.. be yourselves, seek gratitude and stillness, and DON'T TAKE YOURSELVES SO SERIOUSLY, jeez!!!
(i fell down in front of a car at a stop-sign today. enough said. :-)

big love to you all
x
Chris

Here's lookin' at you, kid..

Ok. I know, I know.. it has been WAY too long since I've posted.

Things have been.. well.. busy is in understatement. I picked up a second job, did costumes for our local community theater production of Les Mis, started volunteering at the farm down the way, got a beeeautiful new tattoo, did a yoga workshop and yoga-related spiritual retreat.. etc etc, you get the idea.

busy. yeah. 

But so what, right? this blog is important, so.. and.. well..

I've got a lot of swirly-universe-spiritual-innerworld type stuff simmering in me, but I think I want to save those goodies for another day and write about something a little different..

If you know me at all, you know that central to who I am is my love of fashion.  As much as I am loving this journey into the more 'inner', spirit-related stuff, I remain drawn to the world of fashion and the endless ways it expresses itself.. in fact, I said to a co-worker today.. "If everyday I can feel a little bit fancy and a little bit magic, I am so much happier." And damn if that isn't true. I think that fashion is special because it is both a need (we all, except maybe at Burning Man, clothe ourselves every day) and an art form.  Whether we recognize it or not, we all express ourselves with fashion.  And I love it because, when embraced, it can be such a crazy beautiful tool of self-expression, self-esteem, and self-empowerment. 

The thing is.. I am realizing that SO many people don't feel comfortable expressing themselves externally in some of the ways that they're deep-down really wanting to.  In fact I find that lots of folks don't even allow themselves to go there at all! Like "who me, think about fashion, no sir, not my thing, I just couldn't.." And ok. I get that it's so not the most important thing, that true beauty is inner, and I BELIEVE that, I really do (hence my recently shaved head) but still.. think about your FAVORITE outfit, and how it makes you feel.. or when you were young and you didn't mind leaving the house in a tutu and cape (incidentally, the exact outfit I wore on Halloween, and I couldn't have been happier :-) and how totally MAGIC you felt then.. ya know?? Fashion has the power to make us feel more confident, more 'ourselves', more able to take on the world.. this I also believe.  People say to me WAY too often.. "oh if only I could pull that off, you can just get away with anything.." and I'm like 'puhlease!! I only pull this stuff off because I act like I pull it off..'  Confidence is very convincing. And sometimes I don't even feel confident, I might secretly feel like a tutu-wearing weirdo, but I act bold until I actually feel bold, and this seems to work just fine. And creativity in fashion is so much fun that it's totally worth feeling like a secret weirdo from time to time! So I say.. BE BOLD!! BE DARING!! TAKE RISKS!! EXPRESS YOURSELF!!  Does it make you feel indulgent? What about a little bit magic? Too fancy? Overdressed? A bit silly? Whimsical? It's ok! I give you permission to be as silly/fancy/beautiful/magic/classy as you dare to be!

So.. 

Every now and then a friend or acquaintance asks me if I'll help them update their wardrobe, style things up a bit. Though I LOVE when folks around me begin having a little more fun with fashion, taking a few more risks, I find dressing someone else a little overwhelming, as one thing I love most about fashion is that each person's taste and viewpoint is unique and amazing..  so what I often do is point them to some fashion blogs/websites that I love, and get them thinking about it themselves..

THUS. I leave you with some eye-candy. Some of my favorite fashiony sites.. some more silly than others, but all inspiring.. 

and how..

http://www.thesartorialist.com- this one is hugely well-known, classic street fashion, and maybe my favorite.

http://lookbook.nu- lookbook isn't a blog, it's more like a forum where people can post pics of themselves and their outfits. sometimes it's way too hipster and a bit blah, but other times, people are really creative and amazing :-)

http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com- not a fashion blog, but she posts a lot of fashion-related stuff, and her style is a little bit classic, a touch outdoorsy and practical.. a lot what I imagine for this wee mountain town I live in.

http://the-streetstyle.tumblr.com- this one's just a great street-style blog.  i way prefer street stuff because real people are more interesting to look at than models.

http://www.wendyslookbook.com- this one i don't look at as often, she's a bit preppy for me, but still beautiful and classic :-). and she does this really great scarf tutorial here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LYAEz777AU

http://quillsandcapes.tumblr.com- my own tumblr, which is definitely not all fashion, but has lots of fashion-related things that I love..

and some just for fun blogs that i love and get ideas from..

http://www.thehollyriversshow.com

http://self-constructed-freak.blogspot.com

http://www.aghostship.blogspot.com

http://daintysquid.blogspot.com

http://www.thestylerookie.com- tavi's blog isn't nearly as fun as it used to be (she's started a magazine and mostly blogs about that now) but she's this really well-known young savant fashion blogger who basically got me in to fashion blogs, and her older posts are pretty amazing and fun to look through..

and so, so many more, but this is a good beginning..

Have fun. Start small.. some crazy socks, a hat, a bit of funky jewelry.. and see how good it makes you feel :-)

Life is short! Dress bold!

x

Chris

(This post is dedicated to Lana, who was persistent in getting me to write again, and who also will put up a good argument against leggings as pants. Love you girl :-)

(Also, while I wrote this, I listened to Active Child's album "You Are All I See", and it is magic.)

Grrrrrr..owing pains.

So I haven't written in a while.
It's because, honestly, I've felt weird, almost narcissistic about sharing my life. On one hand, I feel almost compelled to be more vulnerable and share more of my process with whomever cares to read about it. But on the other hand.. I keep thinking that maybe I should write more about fashion or tree houses or some other lighthearted subject that doesn't directly involve me and my intense heart stuff. Cat stories.. with photos.. something like that.
But.. alas.. I'm not at all interested in writing about that stuff. Right now, anyway. In the future, I'd love for this blog to evolve into something that better reflects all of my selves.. but I guess for today, you get all this deep thinky stuff because that is the self that is most prominent right now..
I titled this blog 'Growing Pains' (with lots of grrrr) because that's what I feel like I'm going through at the moment. All of this growing, changing, listening, newness.. some days it feels almost physically painful, like if I could just manage to climb out of my skin and simply be a floaty spirit for a few hours.. just a few..
Let me back up and say that, in all of this, I am feeling beyond cared for from every angle..like really really (and I hate to use this word because it can sound so trite, but) blessed..  but still.. in the midst of it.. some days.. like today.. there is that frustration that settles in my gut and the back of my brain.. that nagging feeling that I should be doing better, that I should be a better friend and employee and daughter and sister.. blah blah.. you know that voice..
But here's the thing. The challenge, the journey. Instead of listening to that voice, this time I want to choose grace. I'm not saying that I am choosing grace, because that makes it sound easy and done, and, well.. it's not. But i want to choose grace. To laugh out loud at the grave silliness of it all because, for f&%$'s sake, I will never be perfect (!!!), and a line that I keep reading in "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (amazing book, ps, you should read it) is that "it's a little better to travel than to arrive." I mean, always always I'm being advised to 'enjoy the journey' but hello, how freaking hard is that! What is the journey, really, without the destination, and so it's SO hard to climb back into my skin and be in this present moment with all it's mess and beauty and crazy because I need to GET THERE and BE BETTER. Right? So my brain (and yours?) tells me, anyway. But hey.. what does my heart say..? It says slow down.. be gentle with yourself.. breathe deep.. enjoy this moment. Because it really is true that this moment is all that there is. And when I'm kind and gentle with myself, it turns out that I'm kind and gentle to others. And I'm more aware and I listen better because I'm not trying to hear you over the constant chatter and admonitions of my brain..
So maybe.. when we hurt each other.. if I'm rude to you, or if I don't listen properly, or if I'm really just not aware of you.. maybe instead of getting angry or frustrated, you should remind me to be good to myself, be kind to myself.. be gentle.. trust the process.. let grace back in.
yeah?
I'll be thinking about this one for a while..

x
Chris