All the best people are...

“Do you think I've gone round the bend?"

"I'm afraid so. You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”- Mad Hatter and Alice,  Alice in Wonderland

I've given it some thought, and I've decided that madness is the only way.  Sanity is overrated.  Genius, change, huge ideas, inspiration.. they're always tinged with, heck, even saturated with, madness.  

Right? RIGHT???

I spent my late teens and early 20's in psych hospitals and rehab, and though it was so long ago, some part of me continues to fear a 'slipping back' into all of that, like I'm being stealthily hunted by Crazy, and one day it will definitely catch up to me again. 

But.. ya know.. lately I find myself looking back on that time with less judgement and fear, and more, welcoming, even inviting, a bit of that latent madness back into my life.  Back then.. I don't remember losing myself or being totally and completely out of control or any of the other associations we have with madness.. Really, I was just young and I didn't give a fuck and my brain was full of so many questions that I didn't know quite how to ask.  The thing is, I was dark and I questioned and I wasn't even certain that I wanted this life, and that scared the people I loved, so I worked really really hard to be less dark and more appropriate and to contribute and be a useful member of society.

10 years have gone by.  And mostly, things have been really good, and my life has been full of great adventures and beautiful people.  But often I find myself thinking, and even occasionally saying.. "no one has any idea how hard I work every day to appear this normal."

And if you knew me, you'd definitely say "you're not doing a very good job of it."  To which I'd reply "you have no idea."

5 months ago I quit my job, and I've since been somewhat adrift in a completely intentional way.  This season has been terrifying (and beautiful) for lots of reasons, but one thing I've really noticed (gulp) is how hard it is to face my own fears and insecurities around what other people think about what I'm doing with my life.  I mean, I've built so much of my persona around NOT caring what people think about me, but it turns out I SO DO CARE.  When people ask what I'm "doing" or what I "do", I jump to give them a laundry list of how I productively spend my time, like I need to show them that even though I've sort of temporarily left society, I'm ok, I'm not crazy, hey don't worry bout me, I've got this.

The truth is that I am ok.  We all are. Because I'm starting to realize that everything all of the time just as it is, is perfect.  There's a bigger picture.  

But also, sometimes I feel totally crazy. and scared. and stuck. and over it. 

And sometimes I want to dance (ok A LOT of the time) to the music in my headphones while I'm walking down the street.  Or wear the same shirt three days in a row because it just feels perfect (which I did do this week).  Or laugh too loud.  Or swear too much.  Sometimes I want to get a little (or a lot) too drunk at a fancy dinner.  Sometimes I want to not wear makeup, or wear way too much makeup, or shorts that are probably way too short for my age (I mean, really).  Sometimes I don't want to have a deep or 'real' conversation, when I probably should.  Or I only want to have a deep or 'real' conversation at the exact time that I probably shouldn't.  Sometimes I'm sporting a terrible home haircut and sometimes I go to bed way too late and sometimes I roller skate in public and sometimes I don't speak to another human for a few days because sometimes other humans are too exhausting.  Sometimes I am not appropriate, and more and more lately, I don't WANT to be appropriate.  Being appropriate stinks.

I'm not saying that I don't want to care about others, in fact, I want that SO much.  But I am saying that I don't want to worry about what others think about me.  And I'm welcoming a bit more.. fuck it, A LOT more.. madness into my life.  Sanity is exhausting and frankly just takes too much work.  

Madness is the human condition.  Let's go there together.

It's true what Alice said. "All the best people are."

x

Chris

(pictures make reading more fun, eh?)