This is something that my mom sent me a couple of days ago, and I've been so moved and challenged by it that I had to share..

MYSTICAL LOVE Bernard McGinn says that mysticism is “a consciousness of the presence of God that by definition exceeds description and . . . deeply transforms the subject who has experienced it.” If it does not deeply change the lifestyle of the person—their worldview, their economics, their politics, their ability to form community—you have no reason to believe it is genuine mystical experience. It is often just people with an addiction to religion itself, which is not that uncommon. Mysticism is not just a change in some religious ideas or affirmations, but it is an encounter of such immensity that everything else shifts in position. Mystics have no need to exclude or eliminate others precisely because they have experienced radical inclusivity of themselves into something much bigger. They do not need to define themselves as enlightened or superior, whereas a mere transfer of religious assertions often makes people even more elitist and more exclusionary. True mystics are glad to be common, ordinary, servants of all, and “just like everybody else,” because any need for specialness has been met once and for all.

To experience such "radical inclusivity.. into something bigger," so that I will simply be glad to be a "common, ordinary servant of all"..
Fewf. Talk about the road less travelled.
Something to ponder, yeah?

x
Chris

The world is not a stage.

Sorry Shakespeare. But it's not. I'm no actress. This is my real life, and it only becomes truly relevant and powerful when I show up as my true self.
I am 31 years old, and in many ways, I feel like this is something I'm only just realizing.  

My amazing sister texted me last week after listening to author Brene Brown speak on shame and living whole-heartedly, and she said that the main thing that she took away from the talk was that "in order to live a full, connected, wholehearted life, you have to be willing to risk being uncool."
Man.
I cannot stop thinking about this.

I thought about beginning this post with tales of how, when I was a child I.. blah blah blah.. and then as a super-sensitive teen I.. But somehow, that just doesn't feel relevant here. It's important to my own personal process, yeah, for sure, but what I've been thinking about lately feels a little more big picture, and current, and less about how I never felt like I fit in growing up. I mean, did anyone?

So I'm pondering this thing in myself, this duality that exists.. I want to call it 'true self' and 'false self', but maybe that's a little too black and white.  One of my mentors refers to the false self as the 'shadow self', and maybe that's a little more appropriate..

It seems important to first note that 'shadow self' is not completely synonymous with 'bad self'. For me, my shadow self grew out of a place of honest self-protection, and also, if I'm being completely honest, an earnest desire to be liked and well.. cool. It looks a little like big sister protecting little sister from bullies out on the playground. Big sister acts way tougher than she actually is, while little sister peeks out from behind her skirt. Does anyone else relate? I mean, if you know me at all, you've met that alter ego of mine, and damn if it wasn't usually very pretty. Wild, and fun at times, but tough and arrogant and shallow and selfish. I created this self for public appearances because, turns out, I'm actually a little bit quiet and a lot nerdy and embarrassingly spiritual and I require LOADS of alone time.. who knew. Well, my family knew, and probably some of you, and I guess, somewhere in myself, I knew. But I so often ignored those key bits of me because I wanted to be that awesome-super-confident-out-there-way-stylish chick that all the girls want to be and all the guys want to be with. I wanted to be the life of the party, not at home reading a book in the bath while the party happened somewhere else. So, not all of the time, but, often, and especially in social situations, I played a character. And I didn't even realize it.

But here's the thing.. I LIKE staying home and reading and cooking and taking baths, and I LOVE long conversations about life and spirituality, and if I don't get enough alone time I notice that I'm grumpy and critical and, let's face it, kind of an asshole. So. It's not that I'm completely saying goodbye to my shadow self.. she'll always be there, ready to be tough and sassy when it's actually necessary.. but for the first time since I was a wee one, I feel ready to step forward as my true, silly, awkward, and nerdy self. I want to be finished with aggression, fear, and taking. It's time to breath.. give.. wait.. be kind.. listen more.. and trust that I'll be ok. Because I am so damn good just as I am. We all are.

This blog post is brought to you by uncertainty, awkwardness, and a little embarrassment.
:-)
Thank you for your grace and for letting me process..

x
Chris

Just begin..

..is what I wrote to myself on the first page of my journal last year. My 'journal', that's ended up being mostly pages and pages of lists.. this is how I think and process.  But my challenge to myself now is to write more, so here goes.

I'm a girl made up entirely of complexities and dichotomies. I guess that probably describes everyone, but I only know what it feels like to be me, and often, it's complicated. Right now I feel so torn between my intense desire for a quiet, simple life that helps bring healing and freedom to others, and my longing for travel, culture, and a dream to one day work in fashion in Paris.  Can I have both? Maybe.. but I literally have no idea how to work that out.

My journey is one of learning to trust.  On a smallish scale, it's learning to trust the community of people around me.  Right now I live in an alluring little town of about 2,000 people, high up in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.  My experience here has been both insanely beautiful and intensely painful, as I've both deeply hurt people around me and been desperately hurt by them, all of us working out ourselves and what it means to do that in a (sometimes too close) community.. you know, everyone you know is related to or has dated everyone you know.. that kind of thing.  Mere weeks ago.. and months ago.. and most of last year really.. I was certain that it was time to move on.  'Bigger' and 'better' things awaited.. things like cities and fashion school and 'interesting people'.. funny how everything can change in moments. I was certain it was time for all of that. Now, I'm not so sure. Without getting into it (yet), something is changing inside of me.  All of a sudden, I'm craving the quiet and the magnificent beauty that's all around me. And I'm seeing this little community with new eyes.. I thought people were small-minded, that I was misunderstood, I was tired of being hurt and judged.. now I'm wondering if mostly that's just what was going on inside of me.  Maybe I was being small? All of a sudden I see that I've got a pretty great family of folks here, all different, and many wonderful and unique in ways I can't begin to get into. So I'm learning to trust them again, to be a little vulnerable, to 'show up' as my authentic self (more on that later).  Maybe this doesn't mean that I should stay here indefinitely.. but right now I kind of want to..

Which brings me to the bigger picture.. learning to trust on a massive, huge, can't-quite-put-words-to-it universal scale.  This is maybe even more terrifying then becoming a little more vulnerable and accessible to the people around me.  Laying it all out there in front of the Universe.. bah!! I mentally avert my eyes at the thought because, when it really comes down to it, I almost never feel worthy. The Universe (call it God, call it want you want, these days I just struggle to give this great force a name, so I generally stick with Universe).. the Universe cares about me?? Right. Sure. I mean, I really do believe this.. but do I believe this? In the past.. no.. not really. I never felt 'enough' to be cared for in such a grand way. But lately.. I'm realizing that such self-degridation is pretty much crap, it doesn't help me and it certainly doesn't help the people around me. So, instead of trying to plan everything and control everything because I secretly believe that if I don't do it no one else will and I'll, what, end up starved and cold in the street somewhere (could happen, I guess. But somehow I'd probably still be ok.).. instead of all that planning and all of those lists that I've filled my journal with, I'm trying a new approach.. one in which I quit pretending like I know what I'm doing here (was anyone fooled, I mean really), I slow waaaay down, I do a lot of yoga, I spend intentional time with the people I care about, I meditate, I write a lot, and in all of it, I listen. I sense that there's something magic in the air and I want to know that more. I want the people around me to know it. And I suspect that it's all to do with love.. great big way-more-huge-and-vast-and-all-incompassing, bigger and deeper and more personal than we could ever imagine.. love.

So that's why I'm starting this blog. To process this journey in knowing love, and to maybe share that with others.  Because, ultimately, isn't that the point of everything? To know love, and in that knowing, to share it with everyone and everything around you so that they may know it more too?

Don't worry.. every post won't be this intense.  Sometimes I'll write about things I'm thankful for, post picture of my cat, or ramble on about fashion, tree houses, hair color, my family, and other things I find fantastically magical. If I can figure out this bloggy internet thing, there will be lots of pictures. And yeah.. there will still be the occasional list, I'm sure :-).

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!
x
Chris

(pretty, right??)