The world is not a stage.

Sorry Shakespeare. But it's not. I'm no actress. This is my real life, and it only becomes truly relevant and powerful when I show up as my true self.
I am 31 years old, and in many ways, I feel like this is something I'm only just realizing.  

My amazing sister texted me last week after listening to author Brene Brown speak on shame and living whole-heartedly, and she said that the main thing that she took away from the talk was that "in order to live a full, connected, wholehearted life, you have to be willing to risk being uncool."
Man.
I cannot stop thinking about this.

I thought about beginning this post with tales of how, when I was a child I.. blah blah blah.. and then as a super-sensitive teen I.. But somehow, that just doesn't feel relevant here. It's important to my own personal process, yeah, for sure, but what I've been thinking about lately feels a little more big picture, and current, and less about how I never felt like I fit in growing up. I mean, did anyone?

So I'm pondering this thing in myself, this duality that exists.. I want to call it 'true self' and 'false self', but maybe that's a little too black and white.  One of my mentors refers to the false self as the 'shadow self', and maybe that's a little more appropriate..

It seems important to first note that 'shadow self' is not completely synonymous with 'bad self'. For me, my shadow self grew out of a place of honest self-protection, and also, if I'm being completely honest, an earnest desire to be liked and well.. cool. It looks a little like big sister protecting little sister from bullies out on the playground. Big sister acts way tougher than she actually is, while little sister peeks out from behind her skirt. Does anyone else relate? I mean, if you know me at all, you've met that alter ego of mine, and damn if it wasn't usually very pretty. Wild, and fun at times, but tough and arrogant and shallow and selfish. I created this self for public appearances because, turns out, I'm actually a little bit quiet and a lot nerdy and embarrassingly spiritual and I require LOADS of alone time.. who knew. Well, my family knew, and probably some of you, and I guess, somewhere in myself, I knew. But I so often ignored those key bits of me because I wanted to be that awesome-super-confident-out-there-way-stylish chick that all the girls want to be and all the guys want to be with. I wanted to be the life of the party, not at home reading a book in the bath while the party happened somewhere else. So, not all of the time, but, often, and especially in social situations, I played a character. And I didn't even realize it.

But here's the thing.. I LIKE staying home and reading and cooking and taking baths, and I LOVE long conversations about life and spirituality, and if I don't get enough alone time I notice that I'm grumpy and critical and, let's face it, kind of an asshole. So. It's not that I'm completely saying goodbye to my shadow self.. she'll always be there, ready to be tough and sassy when it's actually necessary.. but for the first time since I was a wee one, I feel ready to step forward as my true, silly, awkward, and nerdy self. I want to be finished with aggression, fear, and taking. It's time to breath.. give.. wait.. be kind.. listen more.. and trust that I'll be ok. Because I am so damn good just as I am. We all are.

This blog post is brought to you by uncertainty, awkwardness, and a little embarrassment.
:-)
Thank you for your grace and for letting me process..

x
Chris