these honest moments..

so, i started a whole long post (last sunday), and i just deleted it because blah blah blah..
in short, i'm taking a break from this blog. i feel a little selfish in doing that, mostly because there's a lot happening in my inside-world that i could write about and maybe you'd like it, but ya know, that's kinda the thing right now.. this journey i'm currently on feels really really personal and i think a big part of that is me learning to feel less obligated to everyone else, whether that obligation comes from love or guilt (usually i think it's a hard mix of both)..
i'm kind of taking a break from mainstream life in general.. hidden away in a snowy cave (cave= really beautiful home with warm baths and soft beds :-) high up in the mountains, taking time to read and go to yoga and wait to hear the Universe and her next move. As glorious as that sounds, is has also been almost heart-crushingly terrifying (we RELY on our plans and lists and knowledge of what the future holds and IT IS SCARY when we allow the future to become totally blank) and lonely and trying. everything i've talked about, written about.. trust and belief in a bigger plan, faith in Great Love.. i am being challenged to put all of that into action.. and by action, i mean, do nothing and wait and listen. and friends, it is not easy. who knew rest could be as much work as work. i keep trying to make plans, scramble together some idea of my future, but it just gives me stomach-aches and tears, and so, i'm seeking stillness and courage and a quieter mind..
that's enough for now. when i'm back on the scene again, in life and otherwise, i'll reappear on here as well..
i can't imagine that'll be a time too far away, really..
and when i reappear on here, i envision some changes in this blog.. evolution, my friends, evolution..
til then.. be yourselves, seek gratitude and stillness, and DON'T TAKE YOURSELVES SO SERIOUSLY, jeez!!!
(i fell down in front of a car at a stop-sign today. enough said. :-)

big love to you all
x
Chris

Here's lookin' at you, kid..

Ok. I know, I know.. it has been WAY too long since I've posted.

Things have been.. well.. busy is in understatement. I picked up a second job, did costumes for our local community theater production of Les Mis, started volunteering at the farm down the way, got a beeeautiful new tattoo, did a yoga workshop and yoga-related spiritual retreat.. etc etc, you get the idea.

busy. yeah. 

But so what, right? this blog is important, so.. and.. well..

I've got a lot of swirly-universe-spiritual-innerworld type stuff simmering in me, but I think I want to save those goodies for another day and write about something a little different..

If you know me at all, you know that central to who I am is my love of fashion.  As much as I am loving this journey into the more 'inner', spirit-related stuff, I remain drawn to the world of fashion and the endless ways it expresses itself.. in fact, I said to a co-worker today.. "If everyday I can feel a little bit fancy and a little bit magic, I am so much happier." And damn if that isn't true. I think that fashion is special because it is both a need (we all, except maybe at Burning Man, clothe ourselves every day) and an art form.  Whether we recognize it or not, we all express ourselves with fashion.  And I love it because, when embraced, it can be such a crazy beautiful tool of self-expression, self-esteem, and self-empowerment. 

The thing is.. I am realizing that SO many people don't feel comfortable expressing themselves externally in some of the ways that they're deep-down really wanting to.  In fact I find that lots of folks don't even allow themselves to go there at all! Like "who me, think about fashion, no sir, not my thing, I just couldn't.." And ok. I get that it's so not the most important thing, that true beauty is inner, and I BELIEVE that, I really do (hence my recently shaved head) but still.. think about your FAVORITE outfit, and how it makes you feel.. or when you were young and you didn't mind leaving the house in a tutu and cape (incidentally, the exact outfit I wore on Halloween, and I couldn't have been happier :-) and how totally MAGIC you felt then.. ya know?? Fashion has the power to make us feel more confident, more 'ourselves', more able to take on the world.. this I also believe.  People say to me WAY too often.. "oh if only I could pull that off, you can just get away with anything.." and I'm like 'puhlease!! I only pull this stuff off because I act like I pull it off..'  Confidence is very convincing. And sometimes I don't even feel confident, I might secretly feel like a tutu-wearing weirdo, but I act bold until I actually feel bold, and this seems to work just fine. And creativity in fashion is so much fun that it's totally worth feeling like a secret weirdo from time to time! So I say.. BE BOLD!! BE DARING!! TAKE RISKS!! EXPRESS YOURSELF!!  Does it make you feel indulgent? What about a little bit magic? Too fancy? Overdressed? A bit silly? Whimsical? It's ok! I give you permission to be as silly/fancy/beautiful/magic/classy as you dare to be!

So.. 

Every now and then a friend or acquaintance asks me if I'll help them update their wardrobe, style things up a bit. Though I LOVE when folks around me begin having a little more fun with fashion, taking a few more risks, I find dressing someone else a little overwhelming, as one thing I love most about fashion is that each person's taste and viewpoint is unique and amazing..  so what I often do is point them to some fashion blogs/websites that I love, and get them thinking about it themselves..

THUS. I leave you with some eye-candy. Some of my favorite fashiony sites.. some more silly than others, but all inspiring.. 

and how..

http://www.thesartorialist.com- this one is hugely well-known, classic street fashion, and maybe my favorite.

http://lookbook.nu- lookbook isn't a blog, it's more like a forum where people can post pics of themselves and their outfits. sometimes it's way too hipster and a bit blah, but other times, people are really creative and amazing :-)

http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com- not a fashion blog, but she posts a lot of fashion-related stuff, and her style is a little bit classic, a touch outdoorsy and practical.. a lot what I imagine for this wee mountain town I live in.

http://the-streetstyle.tumblr.com- this one's just a great street-style blog.  i way prefer street stuff because real people are more interesting to look at than models.

http://www.wendyslookbook.com- this one i don't look at as often, she's a bit preppy for me, but still beautiful and classic :-). and she does this really great scarf tutorial here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LYAEz777AU

http://quillsandcapes.tumblr.com- my own tumblr, which is definitely not all fashion, but has lots of fashion-related things that I love..

and some just for fun blogs that i love and get ideas from..

http://www.thehollyriversshow.com

http://self-constructed-freak.blogspot.com

http://www.aghostship.blogspot.com

http://daintysquid.blogspot.com

http://www.thestylerookie.com- tavi's blog isn't nearly as fun as it used to be (she's started a magazine and mostly blogs about that now) but she's this really well-known young savant fashion blogger who basically got me in to fashion blogs, and her older posts are pretty amazing and fun to look through..

and so, so many more, but this is a good beginning..

Have fun. Start small.. some crazy socks, a hat, a bit of funky jewelry.. and see how good it makes you feel :-)

Life is short! Dress bold!

x

Chris

(This post is dedicated to Lana, who was persistent in getting me to write again, and who also will put up a good argument against leggings as pants. Love you girl :-)

(Also, while I wrote this, I listened to Active Child's album "You Are All I See", and it is magic.)

Grrrrrr..owing pains.

So I haven't written in a while.
It's because, honestly, I've felt weird, almost narcissistic about sharing my life. On one hand, I feel almost compelled to be more vulnerable and share more of my process with whomever cares to read about it. But on the other hand.. I keep thinking that maybe I should write more about fashion or tree houses or some other lighthearted subject that doesn't directly involve me and my intense heart stuff. Cat stories.. with photos.. something like that.
But.. alas.. I'm not at all interested in writing about that stuff. Right now, anyway. In the future, I'd love for this blog to evolve into something that better reflects all of my selves.. but I guess for today, you get all this deep thinky stuff because that is the self that is most prominent right now..
I titled this blog 'Growing Pains' (with lots of grrrr) because that's what I feel like I'm going through at the moment. All of this growing, changing, listening, newness.. some days it feels almost physically painful, like if I could just manage to climb out of my skin and simply be a floaty spirit for a few hours.. just a few..
Let me back up and say that, in all of this, I am feeling beyond cared for from every angle..like really really (and I hate to use this word because it can sound so trite, but) blessed..  but still.. in the midst of it.. some days.. like today.. there is that frustration that settles in my gut and the back of my brain.. that nagging feeling that I should be doing better, that I should be a better friend and employee and daughter and sister.. blah blah.. you know that voice..
But here's the thing. The challenge, the journey. Instead of listening to that voice, this time I want to choose grace. I'm not saying that I am choosing grace, because that makes it sound easy and done, and, well.. it's not. But i want to choose grace. To laugh out loud at the grave silliness of it all because, for f&%$'s sake, I will never be perfect (!!!), and a line that I keep reading in "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (amazing book, ps, you should read it) is that "it's a little better to travel than to arrive." I mean, always always I'm being advised to 'enjoy the journey' but hello, how freaking hard is that! What is the journey, really, without the destination, and so it's SO hard to climb back into my skin and be in this present moment with all it's mess and beauty and crazy because I need to GET THERE and BE BETTER. Right? So my brain (and yours?) tells me, anyway. But hey.. what does my heart say..? It says slow down.. be gentle with yourself.. breathe deep.. enjoy this moment. Because it really is true that this moment is all that there is. And when I'm kind and gentle with myself, it turns out that I'm kind and gentle to others. And I'm more aware and I listen better because I'm not trying to hear you over the constant chatter and admonitions of my brain..
So maybe.. when we hurt each other.. if I'm rude to you, or if I don't listen properly, or if I'm really just not aware of you.. maybe instead of getting angry or frustrated, you should remind me to be good to myself, be kind to myself.. be gentle.. trust the process.. let grace back in.
yeah?
I'll be thinking about this one for a while..

x
Chris

This is something that my mom sent me a couple of days ago, and I've been so moved and challenged by it that I had to share..

MYSTICAL LOVE Bernard McGinn says that mysticism is “a consciousness of the presence of God that by definition exceeds description and . . . deeply transforms the subject who has experienced it.” If it does not deeply change the lifestyle of the person—their worldview, their economics, their politics, their ability to form community—you have no reason to believe it is genuine mystical experience. It is often just people with an addiction to religion itself, which is not that uncommon. Mysticism is not just a change in some religious ideas or affirmations, but it is an encounter of such immensity that everything else shifts in position. Mystics have no need to exclude or eliminate others precisely because they have experienced radical inclusivity of themselves into something much bigger. They do not need to define themselves as enlightened or superior, whereas a mere transfer of religious assertions often makes people even more elitist and more exclusionary. True mystics are glad to be common, ordinary, servants of all, and “just like everybody else,” because any need for specialness has been met once and for all.

To experience such "radical inclusivity.. into something bigger," so that I will simply be glad to be a "common, ordinary servant of all"..
Fewf. Talk about the road less travelled.
Something to ponder, yeah?

x
Chris

The world is not a stage.

Sorry Shakespeare. But it's not. I'm no actress. This is my real life, and it only becomes truly relevant and powerful when I show up as my true self.
I am 31 years old, and in many ways, I feel like this is something I'm only just realizing.  

My amazing sister texted me last week after listening to author Brene Brown speak on shame and living whole-heartedly, and she said that the main thing that she took away from the talk was that "in order to live a full, connected, wholehearted life, you have to be willing to risk being uncool."
Man.
I cannot stop thinking about this.

I thought about beginning this post with tales of how, when I was a child I.. blah blah blah.. and then as a super-sensitive teen I.. But somehow, that just doesn't feel relevant here. It's important to my own personal process, yeah, for sure, but what I've been thinking about lately feels a little more big picture, and current, and less about how I never felt like I fit in growing up. I mean, did anyone?

So I'm pondering this thing in myself, this duality that exists.. I want to call it 'true self' and 'false self', but maybe that's a little too black and white.  One of my mentors refers to the false self as the 'shadow self', and maybe that's a little more appropriate..

It seems important to first note that 'shadow self' is not completely synonymous with 'bad self'. For me, my shadow self grew out of a place of honest self-protection, and also, if I'm being completely honest, an earnest desire to be liked and well.. cool. It looks a little like big sister protecting little sister from bullies out on the playground. Big sister acts way tougher than she actually is, while little sister peeks out from behind her skirt. Does anyone else relate? I mean, if you know me at all, you've met that alter ego of mine, and damn if it wasn't usually very pretty. Wild, and fun at times, but tough and arrogant and shallow and selfish. I created this self for public appearances because, turns out, I'm actually a little bit quiet and a lot nerdy and embarrassingly spiritual and I require LOADS of alone time.. who knew. Well, my family knew, and probably some of you, and I guess, somewhere in myself, I knew. But I so often ignored those key bits of me because I wanted to be that awesome-super-confident-out-there-way-stylish chick that all the girls want to be and all the guys want to be with. I wanted to be the life of the party, not at home reading a book in the bath while the party happened somewhere else. So, not all of the time, but, often, and especially in social situations, I played a character. And I didn't even realize it.

But here's the thing.. I LIKE staying home and reading and cooking and taking baths, and I LOVE long conversations about life and spirituality, and if I don't get enough alone time I notice that I'm grumpy and critical and, let's face it, kind of an asshole. So. It's not that I'm completely saying goodbye to my shadow self.. she'll always be there, ready to be tough and sassy when it's actually necessary.. but for the first time since I was a wee one, I feel ready to step forward as my true, silly, awkward, and nerdy self. I want to be finished with aggression, fear, and taking. It's time to breath.. give.. wait.. be kind.. listen more.. and trust that I'll be ok. Because I am so damn good just as I am. We all are.

This blog post is brought to you by uncertainty, awkwardness, and a little embarrassment.
:-)
Thank you for your grace and for letting me process..

x
Chris

Just begin..

..is what I wrote to myself on the first page of my journal last year. My 'journal', that's ended up being mostly pages and pages of lists.. this is how I think and process.  But my challenge to myself now is to write more, so here goes.

I'm a girl made up entirely of complexities and dichotomies. I guess that probably describes everyone, but I only know what it feels like to be me, and often, it's complicated. Right now I feel so torn between my intense desire for a quiet, simple life that helps bring healing and freedom to others, and my longing for travel, culture, and a dream to one day work in fashion in Paris.  Can I have both? Maybe.. but I literally have no idea how to work that out.

My journey is one of learning to trust.  On a smallish scale, it's learning to trust the community of people around me.  Right now I live in an alluring little town of about 2,000 people, high up in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.  My experience here has been both insanely beautiful and intensely painful, as I've both deeply hurt people around me and been desperately hurt by them, all of us working out ourselves and what it means to do that in a (sometimes too close) community.. you know, everyone you know is related to or has dated everyone you know.. that kind of thing.  Mere weeks ago.. and months ago.. and most of last year really.. I was certain that it was time to move on.  'Bigger' and 'better' things awaited.. things like cities and fashion school and 'interesting people'.. funny how everything can change in moments. I was certain it was time for all of that. Now, I'm not so sure. Without getting into it (yet), something is changing inside of me.  All of a sudden, I'm craving the quiet and the magnificent beauty that's all around me. And I'm seeing this little community with new eyes.. I thought people were small-minded, that I was misunderstood, I was tired of being hurt and judged.. now I'm wondering if mostly that's just what was going on inside of me.  Maybe I was being small? All of a sudden I see that I've got a pretty great family of folks here, all different, and many wonderful and unique in ways I can't begin to get into. So I'm learning to trust them again, to be a little vulnerable, to 'show up' as my authentic self (more on that later).  Maybe this doesn't mean that I should stay here indefinitely.. but right now I kind of want to..

Which brings me to the bigger picture.. learning to trust on a massive, huge, can't-quite-put-words-to-it universal scale.  This is maybe even more terrifying then becoming a little more vulnerable and accessible to the people around me.  Laying it all out there in front of the Universe.. bah!! I mentally avert my eyes at the thought because, when it really comes down to it, I almost never feel worthy. The Universe (call it God, call it want you want, these days I just struggle to give this great force a name, so I generally stick with Universe).. the Universe cares about me?? Right. Sure. I mean, I really do believe this.. but do I believe this? In the past.. no.. not really. I never felt 'enough' to be cared for in such a grand way. But lately.. I'm realizing that such self-degridation is pretty much crap, it doesn't help me and it certainly doesn't help the people around me. So, instead of trying to plan everything and control everything because I secretly believe that if I don't do it no one else will and I'll, what, end up starved and cold in the street somewhere (could happen, I guess. But somehow I'd probably still be ok.).. instead of all that planning and all of those lists that I've filled my journal with, I'm trying a new approach.. one in which I quit pretending like I know what I'm doing here (was anyone fooled, I mean really), I slow waaaay down, I do a lot of yoga, I spend intentional time with the people I care about, I meditate, I write a lot, and in all of it, I listen. I sense that there's something magic in the air and I want to know that more. I want the people around me to know it. And I suspect that it's all to do with love.. great big way-more-huge-and-vast-and-all-incompassing, bigger and deeper and more personal than we could ever imagine.. love.

So that's why I'm starting this blog. To process this journey in knowing love, and to maybe share that with others.  Because, ultimately, isn't that the point of everything? To know love, and in that knowing, to share it with everyone and everything around you so that they may know it more too?

Don't worry.. every post won't be this intense.  Sometimes I'll write about things I'm thankful for, post picture of my cat, or ramble on about fashion, tree houses, hair color, my family, and other things I find fantastically magical. If I can figure out this bloggy internet thing, there will be lots of pictures. And yeah.. there will still be the occasional list, I'm sure :-).

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!
x
Chris

(pretty, right??)