I'm a girl made up entirely of complexities and dichotomies. I guess that probably describes everyone, but I only know what it feels like to be me, and often, it's complicated. Right now I feel so torn between my intense desire for a quiet, simple life that helps bring healing and freedom to others, and my longing for travel, culture, and a dream to one day work in fashion in Paris. Can I have both? Maybe.. but I literally have no idea how to work that out.
My journey is one of learning to trust. On a smallish scale, it's learning to trust the community of people around me. Right now I live in an alluring little town of about 2,000 people, high up in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. My experience here has been both insanely beautiful and intensely painful, as I've both deeply hurt people around me and been desperately hurt by them, all of us working out ourselves and what it means to do that in a (sometimes too close) community.. you know, everyone you know is related to or has dated everyone you know.. that kind of thing. Mere weeks ago.. and months ago.. and most of last year really.. I was certain that it was time to move on. 'Bigger' and 'better' things awaited.. things like cities and fashion school and 'interesting people'.. funny how everything can change in moments. I was certain it was time for all of that. Now, I'm not so sure. Without getting into it (yet), something is changing inside of me. All of a sudden, I'm craving the quiet and the magnificent beauty that's all around me. And I'm seeing this little community with new eyes.. I thought people were small-minded, that I was misunderstood, I was tired of being hurt and judged.. now I'm wondering if mostly that's just what was going on inside of me. Maybe I was being small? All of a sudden I see that I've got a pretty great family of folks here, all different, and many wonderful and unique in ways I can't begin to get into. So I'm learning to trust them again, to be a little vulnerable, to 'show up' as my authentic self (more on that later). Maybe this doesn't mean that I should stay here indefinitely.. but right now I kind of want to..
Which brings me to the bigger picture.. learning to trust on a massive, huge, can't-quite-put-words-to-it universal scale. This is maybe even more terrifying then becoming a little more vulnerable and accessible to the people around me. Laying it all out there in front of the Universe.. bah!! I mentally avert my eyes at the thought because, when it really comes down to it, I almost never feel worthy. The Universe (call it God, call it want you want, these days I just struggle to give this great force a name, so I generally stick with Universe).. the Universe cares about me?? Right. Sure. I mean, I really do believe this.. but do I believe this? In the past.. no.. not really. I never felt 'enough' to be cared for in such a grand way. But lately.. I'm realizing that such self-degridation is pretty much crap, it doesn't help me and it certainly doesn't help the people around me. So, instead of trying to plan everything and control everything because I secretly believe that if I don't do it no one else will and I'll, what, end up starved and cold in the street somewhere (could happen, I guess. But somehow I'd probably still be ok.).. instead of all that planning and all of those lists that I've filled my journal with, I'm trying a new approach.. one in which I quit pretending like I know what I'm doing here (was anyone fooled, I mean really), I slow waaaay down, I do a lot of yoga, I spend intentional time with the people I care about, I meditate, I write a lot, and in all of it, I listen. I sense that there's something magic in the air and I want to know that more. I want the people around me to know it. And I suspect that it's all to do with love.. great big way-more-huge-and-vast-and-all-incompassing, bigger and deeper and more personal than we could ever imagine.. love.
So that's why I'm starting this blog. To process this journey in knowing love, and to maybe share that with others. Because, ultimately, isn't that the point of everything? To know love, and in that knowing, to share it with everyone and everything around you so that they may know it more too?
Don't worry.. every post won't be this intense. Sometimes I'll write about things I'm thankful for, post picture of my cat, or ramble on about fashion, tree houses, hair color, my family, and other things I find fantastically magical. If I can figure out this bloggy internet thing, there will be lots of pictures. And yeah.. there will still be the occasional list, I'm sure :-).
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!
x
Chris
(pretty, right??)
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